(This is me reading the newspaper on the train from St. Louis back to KC. It felt so lovely to be reading the newspaper on a train, for some reason.)
I have no idea what I am going to sit here and write about. Usually, I have an idea that I have been mulling on for awhile. Often, I start writing about that idea and then go a completely different direction than I thought I would go. Many times, an idea comes to me while I am sitting still and quiet during church.
But today, I have no idea what I want to say.
I am sitting on my side porch. It's the first time I have written out here since...pretty much forever, it seems. I thought winter would never end, but perhaps it has, finally. I hope.
I hear the crack of a bat hitting a ball as kids across the street play baseball.
I see green--thank God--and white blooms, and red tulips, and the corpse of last year's garden, which someday, someday, will come to life again.
I also hear my son in the front yard sobbing because Matt can't make him a rope swing that will propel him across the yard and onto a platform where he can than push himself down a yet-to-be created slide. He is swearing, between sobs, that if this masterpiece of a creation becomes a reality he will never, ever need to play a video game again.
My house is a little bit messy. I need to pick it up before my weekly date with Mr. Selfridge and a friend and a bottle of wine.
I need to wash sheets.
There is a wasp buzzing around the windows inside my porch. This makes me a little nervous.
Jack is no longer crying because Matt has propped a very tall ladder against the very tall maple tree in our front yard. Jack has climbed up the ladder and is now standing on a perch up in the tree. This makes me very nervous.
I am sipping a Diet Coke. I try very, very hard to be healthy. I religiously dump fruits and greens into my Blendtech every morning to make myself a green smoothie. We eat pastured eggs and chickens and grass-fed beef. We devour vegetables and fruits from our garden and our CSA. But I can't give up Diet Coke. I just can't. Sigh.
I am excited because the essay I published last week over at Practicing Families about our relationship with our Old German Baptist friends is going to be re-published on the blog at Mennonite World Review. Some day I want to be a writer, you know.
I am feeling pretty good today. My insides feel pretty quiet, mostly calm.
As long as I don't close my eyes and imagine Jack falling out of that tree, I'm OK today.
I'm peaceful today.
I would say I am almost happy today.
Maybe it's the sunshine.
Maybe it's the green.
Maybe it's the porch.
Maybe I'm just getting a little break.
Maybe I will wake up in despair tomorrow.
But for today, I am inhaling...exhaling...inhaling...exhaling...inhaling...exhaling....